I, I think I’ve got boring I think I’ve turned into the woman I dreaded when I was 19 Cause I, I dream about bin day Is it the green bin, black bin? Don’t forget the food waste it’ll smell I love ikea, zoflora, Kirsty and Phil, binging netflix sort of chill, without the sex And if we do, I don’t take off my specs, or my socks And I, feel old need a spa day Spend my time working, mothering, scrolling, pooping while kids count my plops And I, I really am grumpy Turns out that’s what happens when you get pissed off with emotional labour Cellulite spreads down my legs, my arms, arse, elbows, knees and toes, even my ears My fabulous fat But it’s spread to my twat - now that’s just not fair And oh would life be better if I went to nightclubs when I prefer pubs? Or went on adventures camping in Australia? But I hate tents and spiders Had sex with a lifeguard? ‘Hey would shave your vag?’ NO! And I’d end up with crabs I’d rather eat cheese on my couch Oh god I’m boring old grumpy and fat Boring old grumpy and fat... I, I’m so constipated I talk about fibre, bowel movements, anal comfort, haemorrhoids, piles And I, I love peoples kitchens Choices of tiles, farrow and ball paint, storage turns me on - where did you get your taps? Saturday nights used to binge drink til 4 eat kebabs vomit shag someone fine Well beer goggles fine But now I’m in bed by nine And oh would life be better if I joined a gym but I fucking hate gyms Or joined adult friend finder, fancied a threesome, but I’m so goddamn tired and one cock is enough, enough for my muff Let’s not overstuff I’d rather masturbate alone Thank god I’m boring old grumpy and fat Boring old grumpy and fat...

Oh when your life feels shit and you feel like a hit of heroin in your arm When your husband says fuck it your hole is like a bucket and he won’t have sex with you anymoreThere’s a bright side… Your kids treat you like a joke the microwave is broke and you're out of coffee, gin and wine You’ve not been out in months your childless friends are cunts cause they’ve all forgotten that you still exist There’s a bright side oh yes there’s a bright side Cause you don’t do heroin you can always get takeaway and wine If your hole is huge you can make some money from ‘Freak Porn’ If your kids are dicks sure just take lots of pics and shame them when they’re older Just go out with your mammy friends they’re cheaper drunks anyway Oh when sleep is in the past you don’t think that you’ll last cause you look like Freddy Krueger When your guy wants in the back but you hate him near your crack you try anyway then can’t sit down for weeks There’s a bright side… You’ve stopped earning your own money and no one calls you honey cause you’ve lost all sex appeal now you’re a mom Breast feeding leaves you dry no american pie and you’ve spent ten quid on vaseline There’s a bright side, oh yes there’s a bright side If you look like hell on earth then why not drink more anyway If your ass if off limit spend time and get tips from your gay friends - they’re more fun If no one fancies you you’ve got a head start on your sexuality dying Media tells me that happens at 40 anyway So now you’re just a mom tea is your jagger bomb and you won’t have excess energy again Hard to dress the brand new you though you used to have clue and black sacks are your mammy fashion choice There’s a bright side… You’ve rocked and hugged and fed your boobs have cracked and bled And witching hour lasts longer than an hour You can’t have a poo in peace your brain is out on lease to the toddler tipping biscuits on the floor But there’s a bright side oh yes there's a bright side If you have no energy you can moan all you want no one listens to Mom If you can’t dress well it’s a great excuse not to leave the house ever again If your boobs are like a crime scene then…. I’ve got nothing…. But one day they will say I love you Mommy That’s the bright side And every time they kiss you you get some disease that they’ve brought home from nursery What do you need?

You and me were perfect, yes you you did everything for me You and me were lying, or was it just me lying to you I two timed you, I sort of loved you but always knew it was just for sex I could see love trust joy in your eyes I liked that not you I made you doubt, I made you psycho I made you come so hard you couldn’t see straight I pulled the wool over your eyes to my complete asshole ways I broke your heart and your brain cause I drove you insane but wasn’t it worth but wasn’t it worth it Remember when we broke the bed and you fell on your head Cause I rode you so hard that your penis bled We broke your banjo string but wasn’t it worth it Oh wasn’t it worth it Cause you were the one you were the one before I met the one. You always came to my house it was a bother to go to you We always saw my film choice chic flicks were not sacrificed for you I only answered your calls at a time convenient for me I saw adoration in your eyes I when I booty called you I made you ache made you ugly cry I made your instagram look hashtag life-goals I blinded you with desire to my dislike of your football team Oh I bought you drink every date cause I didn’t like you sober But wasn’t it worth it oh wasn’t it worth it Remember that camping trip we had that threesome, you weren’t Into it and sat outside on your own You got pneumonia but wasn’t it worth it Ooh wasn’t it worth it cause you were my love The love of my life before I got a life Yes you, you were the one before I met the one

Mat leave is up gotta go be woman who has it all Been up since three and done four feeds and my boobs are leaking Go back to work with poo in my hair Dust off my old suit and my spanx underwear I live on coffee Slept in my make up once again last night I've just had 4 hours kip dear god I look like shite But I closed the multinational deal with the executive guys In the casino over steaks and several lines, Gotta do my nails and hit the gym before my morning meeting Gotta dye my hair and dryclean the little black dress for Thursday evening Us career girls break cliches but the repercussions are shitty Cause no one believes you’re smart now, unless you’re really goddamn pretty Twelve months of baby groups and wine play dates, don’t judge, yea you would do it too 3501 parent mail emails My old workmates have moved on, my colleagues all look about 14 years old And they call me Ma’am. Proved I’m tough fired the intern first thing Got my period on the tube washing out my knickers in the sink Done a zoom call with the states hooked up my powerpoint presentation Gotta update spreadsheets check the funds and the stocks situation Gotta flirt through lunch stay late tonight I forget how sunlight feels Work to the bone for 20% less pay and do it all in six inch heels Gotta update my insta and organise a hen for my little sisters wedding Book a bikini wax and wash the come stains off of my bedding Gotta get my waist back and still be good in the sack And I’m stuck with washing cleaning cooking so I snack I’m free to wear what I want as long as it’s not too loose, too tight, too short, too much cleavage or Inviting abuse Nine to five and then plan everything for all in this house Pay my bills just like Beyonce, pray he don’t cheat, ain’t no time to write an album Don’t get out much but when I do my pelvic floors weak I may piss on your floor And yea I have it all Get my m&s meal when the day is done, Switch on my tinder after dinner , swipe left on every one. Book a voice coaching class, I need to work on my tone Speak clearly, but don’t threaten don’t be shrill and don’t moan Buy that housewarming gift, take my nephew to the zoo Spend money on other people’s things that I will never have or do Missing my weekly yoga class to take a client to a game But if you want to have it all them's the breaks that’s what they say Fuck fuck fuck fuck yea I have it all

Hello thanks for seeing me Doctor It's wonderful to see you again How’ve I been? Really? Well god sure don’t you know me I’m grand ah sure I’m grand What? Oh so why am I here? Well, I thought that you might see I am a mess Let me confess Sometimes I want to sit on my own head Cause my arse is so big I would definitely smother and be dead Sometimes I feel so sad I beat myself then lie in bed I cry til I am numb pull that duvet over my head Sometimes I feel so hopeless I can’t see the point in life So I just make a cup of tea and fantasize on jumping off the balcony Oh I feel like shite oh hate my body with all my might I empty reach at the vile thought of myself Crying in the morning as I put my knickers on. This smile is killing me That’s right I’m smiling No I don’t look depressed or stressed What does that mean? You think I’m coping? Oh let me spell it out for you Look, I have nothing to offer a man or a friend or a cat or a dog or a job or a group or a goat or this earth did I mention a man! I am sad and alone You say it’s sad that I am sad but sure we all have spells like this Try walking jogging hydrate yoga buy a pet goldfish You say that as I’m smiling sure I really can’t be bad I’m a shaking sweating ogre woman welcome to my shitshow Oh my life’s a mess oh living with a toxic ex My career is crap and I can’t face going to work So depression kicks my ass back in the door The smile is gone I numb all day and can’t get off the floor Watching Bake Off I feel nothing I am dead inside my core Is that clearer for you than before? Can’t cry at Queer Eye This smile is killing me Anything you can do doctor, counselling, the good drugs, can you prescribe a six months in The Maldives? This smile is killing me

I was out with my better looking friend He was out with his better looking friend Their eyes met it was magic Our eyes met it was tragic Then they touched there were sparks Then we touched he smelled of farts And I smelled like last nights curry But they were in a hurry I did shots he looked handsomer and taller He did shots so my thighs seemed smaller We all jumped in a cab back to his place They went at it on the staircase Then we sighed cause we knew We had nothing better to do We kissed each other on the face resentfully Ya there was no chemistry Better it was not better Than playing Call Of Duty Or swiping Tinder booty It was not Better, not better than a wank We slowly peeled off each others clothes Oh my god his dick looked like a hose My vagina’s like a desert He wanted me to gush and squirt No chance foreplay could not be worse Then remembered I’m built like a horse And all fat girls are taught for sex we should be grateful The sex was so hateful Better it was not better Than watching Netflix on my own Than watching youporn It was not better not better than a wank The next week he asked me on a date Insecure me sighed and took the bait He cancelled to watch the football Said he’d come after the pub crawl Booty calling is so dull That boy was cuntish as a seagull Swooped down, grabbed me chips and quickly flew off So, I told him fuck off Better he was not better Than a vibrator in the bath That orgasm aftermath He was not better, not better than a wank…

You are my sweet everything my never ending everything From pick me up to lay me down To loving me letting me feel high low High low high low I’m always enough and never never too much for You love clearly openly undoubtedly accepting me In crowded rooms you ease it all There’s never been any doubt in you Where I am you’re always right there I’ll never never lose love for You You, you make me sing I, I, I love falling for you You’re my comfort every night from dawn to dusk in every light Your eyes so deep I’m falling in I’d happily drown in You you you I’m always right here I’ll never never lose love for You You, you make me sing I, I, I love falling for you You’re still here, my constant line There’s no wavering No drama easy us This love is easy it’s confident it’s you

Today I’m focused, on being the best I can. I’m wonderful I’m driven I will look like a Kardashian I’m gonna nail it, this workout, I will sail it. I’ll be skin and bone cause that’s what's important My abs must be like steel with so much sex appeal. Not one inch excess fat there’ll be, my waistline will be 23 Spray tans make me thinner, my biceps, they will shimmer. No flab or lumps for me cause that’s what’s important Have you seen all those ads for fasting? Starving yourself is so in right now… I’m so fat I wobble when I walk I’m so bland my nose looks like a hawk Im an elephant a failure A wart on Donald Trumps ass I’m going to have back fat anyway I want to be like Beyonce, when she left destiny. Everyone hates cellulite no man can see me in the light Suck those cheeks right in, lift up that double chin I’ll work out everyday and tell the world on facebook I’m trying the juice cleanse right now. The headaches mean it’s working right? I'm so fat I wobble when I walk My belly sticks out my face looks like a trout My Chub rubs getting worse this chaffing is a curse So hungry I could cry give me some fries I’m going to have back fat, anyway - it’s my come to Jesus moment! I’ll love my back fat I’m bored of starving And everyone’s got fat And cellulite My fat is fine I don’t fucking care About my thighs I’m going to have back fat anyway

Bounce bounce baby oh bounce bounce girl Bounce that baby bounce that jelly jiggle jiggle twirl Bounce bounce baby bounce bounce woman Love bouncing love bouncing love bouncing screw bouncing back. Just bounce. I just grew a little baby inside my body Glanced in the mirror here’s what it told me Stretch marks, jiggle, spud cellulite Bingo wings and a Kim K bum right? Gotta bounce back no no to a chubby tum Put that cookie down do not eat another crumb Shredding, juicing, counting calories Screw all that let me eat some cheese Bouncing back? No I just bounce and wobble Bounce bounce back no I love my curves and gobble All the carbs and chocolate in my house in my car Could go jogging but I’ve not slept singing twinkle twinkle little star Bounce bounce baby oh bounce bounce girl Bounce that baby bounce that jelly jiggle jiggle twirl Bounce bounce baby bounce bounce woman Love bouncing love bouncing love bouncing screw bouncing back. Just bounce. Sure I’ve got cellulite I love my spuds alright? Functioning on three hours sleep No more time for that upkeep Pink, Bey and Kylie J Are human don’t care what they weigh That jelly loves your granny pants Get up dance dance dance Bounce bounce baby oh bounce bounce girl Bounce that baby bounce that jelly jiggle jiggle twirl Bounce bounce baby oh bounce bounce woman Love bouncing love bouncing love bouncing screw bouncing back. Just bounce. Bounce bounce baby oh bounce bounce girl Bounce that baby bounce that jelly jiggle all around the world Bounce bounce baby bounce bounce woman Love bouncing love bouncing love bouncing screw bouncing back. Just bounce.

My insides hurt over this My insides hurt with memories of last time we Fought over board games got drunk until 3 winding each other up Oh and I’m missing it I miss it, we’re missing it I wonder will you iron my knickers Fall asleep snoring to The Late Late after one glass of blue nun Chats of wooden spoon threats with your coat pockets brim full of tissues and holy medals We’re missing it When all this is done you’ll be sick of us Invading your house waking you at 6 With kids screaming loudly they’re crazy they’re running to you You squeeze them so tight as only you can We’ll not let go when all this is done done done When this is done we’re running to you Thinking we’re 16 again Stumble home hiding in bushes waiting for your eyes thrown to heaven But there’s sandwiches in the fridge & hot water bottles in the bed Oh I’m missing it, we’re missing it CHORUS Faces of best friends and sing songs and stories Doling out well meant abuse and staying up till sunrise 20 thousand calls and voice mails are just not the same As pouring your red wine or sounds of the craic with us laughing and fighting and together CHORUS